Merry Christmas!

WOW! What a white Christmas we are having. There was "suppose" to be a 30% chance of light snow last nite and 33 degrees today. We had no snow last night, 34 degrees today and then after dinner it started snowing and blowing. It is a very wet snow that is sticking to everything and very pretty. (ok I realize some of you readers don't think any snow is pretty, but it is beautiful outside Ü)

Today is my one year anniversary for blogging. I can't believe it's already been a year! The time has flown by so fast. A year ago today was a heart breaking day as a dear friend died of cancer. I miss her so much and have thought of her so often this past year. I have many things that she made me in my stamp room that remind me of her and make me smile and remember all the wonderful times we had together. My life was truly blessed to be called her friend. I miss you Kim!!

I have also had some of you e-mail me about what I found out at my dr. appt. It was discouraging news and I needed a few days to accept what they had to say. I was told there is nothing that they can do which was my worst fear to hear. The bottom two discs (S1 and L5) are completely degenerated with L5 also herniated. The reason my pain is so scattered (hips, legs, feet and different every day and even different several times a day) is because there is no fluid in those discs so every move I make causes pain somewhere as there are nerves in the discs. The next 3 discs (going up my spine) are bulging, but not to the degree to be pushing on any nerves that will cause major damage at this point.

He said to fuse (which I have NEVER wanted done) will very likely cause more pain. The recovery time is a minimum of 6 months and in my case longer as there isn't any good bone to fuse to. He did not recommend this at all, but if I say I want it done he will do it (and I do not want it done).

What I need is the artificial discs on the market and the insurance companies all over are denying this to patients for the first time in history even though it is FDA approved. There is one insurance company paying for them, but you have to be very skinny (which I am not) and you can't have any previous surgeries-which I have had many. Even if we found an insurance company that would pay for it, they will only agree to one and I need two.

So where does that put me? Between a "rock and a hard place" (dr.'s words) I am to work with my physician to find an anti-flammatory med that won't cause me to vomit, have hives or nauseau (which many do). I am now taking one that seems to be working (thank you for all the prayers!!). It says I can't take it for a long period of time, so need to find out what that means.

I also have to go back to the physical therapist to get more exercises to keep my legs strong. I am already having loss of feeling sensation and "jelly" like legs and I have to do the PT to keep from losing the ability to walk. I asked him how long before I wouldn't be able to walk and he told me that if I keep up with the PT and completely change my lifestyle (no bending, twisting, turning, lifting) 10 - 20 years depending on what happens to the next 3 discs. So, no more canning, gardening and lots of every day things that we all take for granted. I have already caught myself doing things that aren't allowed. It's going to take a long time to reprogram myself.

I have been having a feeling of lost identity as I feel useless. I can't stand for more than 5 minutes (and sometimes less than that) without being in a great deal of pain. I can't lift a pan of water and put it on the stove, take out something from the oven or lift a gallon of milk. It is hard for me to ask for help, but the boys have been really good about helping. I have already changed the way I do things the past 3 months just because of the pain. Aaron takes the laundry out of the washer and takes it outside and puts it on a chair so I can put it on the line (when it is nice out anyway Ü). Benjamin loves to cook and has been a big help when I just can't stand long enough to finish something. They do NOT like doing the dishes and I do them in spurts as I can stand the time to be standing. Our bed is low and making a bed is very painful as I cannot lean over to do it. We need to see if we can find a bed frame that is higher so that I can still do that task. Bruce helps alot too with everything. Please pray that I never ask them to do something that I can do myself. I know of people who live with chronic pain and they just give up. I refuse to do that and I don't want to take advantage of anyone. If I am able to do something, I need to feel useful to do that.

Well, if you read this far, you really are a faithful reader! LOL!! So to reward you and to celebrate my one year anniversary, post a comment here for a chance for some blog candy. I am not going to post what it is, but hopefully you will like it. I will draw a name Friday on Aaron's birthday.